For many of us, it can be intimidating to be introduced to a stranger—or worse, a group of new people—when we feel like an outsider. Many people are shy and reserved when it comes to “working a room” and engaging in small talk with people they don’t know or with whom they don’t normally interact. But if we can become comfortable at small talk—and have more fun doing so—it may represent a perfect opportunity to hone your networking skills and expand your contacts beyond the folks you already know.

 

Along with the prospect of engaging in small talk come some simple and logical guidelines. In this month’s column, I’ll share some DOs and DON’Ts so that you become a good mingler but not a mangler. Before we head to the party, though, let’s cover some definitions and ground rules, shall we?

 

What is a network?

For as long as this 55-year-old memory can recall, the first companies we called “networks” were ABC, CBS and NBC. Then, in the 1990s, networking became the business buzzword. Sales people latched onto the notion that each of us needed to fully develop and leverage (another term made popular in the ’90s) our closest circle of friends and business associates. Noted business author Harvey Mackay defined a network as “an organized collection of personal contacts and your personal contacts’ own networks.” Mackay continued, “Networking is finding fast whom you need to get what you need in any given situation, and helping others do the same.”

 

If you took the time to sit down with a blank piece of paper and began to write the names of family, friends and associates to which you’ve spoken, written—email being the most common vehicle nowadays—or met in just the past month, you probably would generate a list of well over 100 names. Mind-boggling, isn’t it? Using Mackay’s definition, we could rightfully lay some claim to the personal network of each person on our list as well. Yet many of us don’t assume the linkage or wish to impose on others’ relationships. But stop to ask yourself: “Why not?” I’m sure if someone didn’t want to share a member of their inner circle with you, they’d make that clear—either diplomatically or bluntly.

 

Willing to take the RISK?

Harvey Mackay further describes a network as having four main ingredients and uses the acronym RISK to identify each element—Reciprocity, Interdependency, Sharing and Keeping at it. Building a network can be risky business, so the acronym is an appropriate one.

 

Reciprocity is a simple concept—you give, you get; you don’t give, you don’t get. It also suggests that before one does a business favor for another, it wouldn’t hurt to figure out first how the other person can repay the favor. I know this may sound conniving and cold-hearted at first blush, but you can have the person in your network that received your favor repay you by doing a favor for a third party—that is, repaying someone else that did a favor for you without you paying it back directly.

 

Interdependency means that one is neither independent of the needs of one’s network, nor wholly dependent upon the network. You need every person in your network and they, in turn, should need you and what you bring to the banquet. There are no inferior or superior relationships within a good network.

 

Sharing refers to the spirit in which you lend your network to others. Remember the old children’s game where ten kids sit around in a circle and the first one whispers something into the ear of the second, the second passes it on to the third and so on, until it reaches the first child again, via the tenth, invariably in some unrecognizable form? Sharing is the element of networking that is meant to eliminate this type of communication breakdown. In a healthy network, any two people in your circle can talk to each other. They don’t have to go through you.

 

Keeping at it means if your network is going to work, thrive and ultimately be to your benefit, you have to remain tuned in to it and connected. If you allow several years to go by without some meaningful contact with key members of your network, you can’t expect to pick up with the relationship where it left off. Networks need to be nurtured and fed, just as a house plant needs sunlight, water, food and pruning.

 

Where’s the party?

The last Mackay jewel I’d like to share with you is: “It’s great to be liked. You’ll have a network you can always use—once. It’s even greater to be needed. You’ll have a network you can always use—period.” What do you have that others may need? What is it that you can do that few others can? Is there information that you know which others may need to know to get where they’re going?

 

Before you head to any gathering, have your own introduction prepared so you don’t find yourself at a loss for words and appear less than confident. Be aware of current events in the community surrounding the physical location of the party, or within the industry or marketplace, should you attend a networking event at a trade show or conference. 

 

Reserve your opinion about the current event until you “feel out the climate” of public opinion. Do plenty of listening to what others say and mean instead of simply focusing on your next line.

 

Some “networking” experts maintain that all it takes is to ask people questions because they love to talk about themselves. I disagree. If all you do is ask questions, you reveal little about yourself and what assets you have to contribute or share. Some great conversation builders lead with: “What is your take on...?” or “Have you heard...?” Start small. Establish a connection with your new acquaintance and seek common ground. You should find your conversations evolve into bigger ones naturally.

 

DOs and DON’Ts of small talk

The top 10 tips for making good small talk can be expressed as things you should do and things you should avoid:

 

Do be the first to say “hello” and be sure to include your name in your introduction. Smile, shake hands upon learning their name, and use their name periodically during your conversation—it will help you recall them and what they are about later. If there are nametags, do wear it on your right side so it’s easier to read when you shake hands.

 

Do limit your first encounter to five to eight minutes. Use courteous exit lines such as having to find your spouse, going to the buffet table or offer to freshen their drink.

 

Do be curiously nosy about what the other person does or where he/she lives but don’t pry. Ask more open-ended questions than questions that can be answered with a simple yes or no—you’ll find out much more about the other person and sound less like an interrogator.

 

Don’t let a loud, boastful or strongly-opinionated person intimidate you or tempt you into an argument—just move on. Perhaps the cause of their rudeness is the adult beverages being served.

 

After some degree of success with one or two one-on-one encounters, do try to approach a small group. Smile, say hello and introduce yourself when there is a pause in the conversation. It is easier to mingle into a group of three or more alone—and later introduce your party companion—than to enter into a small group as a couple.

 

Do ask rapport-building questions and keep the focus on him/her, not you. Maintain comfortable eye contact and don’t glance around the room while they are talking to you.

 

Don’t discuss business related topics prematurely. Respect the fact that people often attend social gatherings to get away from work. If someone hands you a business card, accept it as a gift. Take a moment to read it and then put it away in a shirt pocket or purse to show it is valued. Offer your card only if requested.

 

If there are particular people you especially want to meet, do try to have someone they respect introduce you. Ask a mutual friend to do the honors. Don’t act as if you are in awe of them or that you are above them. Remember, you are trying to add that special person into your personal network with a sense of interdependency.

 

Do be aware of your body language. People who look ill at ease tend to make others uncomfortable. If you are not happy to be there, don’t let it show.

 

Do allow yourself to stand alone for a few minutes—it’s okay to be by yourself occasionally, even at a party. Scan the room. Maybe someone will approach you first. Once you become a good mingler, don’t forget the shy people. If you see someone standing off to the side, take a step back to non-verbally invite them into your conversation.